Alot Like The Good Ol' Days =]

Best Youtube Vid Ever!! Starring ME!!

Best Youtube Vid Ever!! Starring ME!

I'm Going To Ramble.

I'm sure you've all heard this old song. It goes something like this: Why do you build me up, (build me up)Buttercup Baby, just to let me down? And spin me around... And then worst of all, you never call me when you say you will But I love you STILL! I need you, I need you, more than ANYONE, darling... Well, there was this boy. Eric. He built me waaay up. He's the one who sent me all the text messages in my last post. Ones saying he loved me and that I was beautiful and I was such an amazing person. And then after a while I got less and less messages like that and more and more he was mad at me and when he got mad, he'd say horrible things. Things that he'd always try to take back, but the damage was already done. But you know, when you think you love someone, you try to forgive most of the angry words. But one day I found out that he'd cheated on me. With a girl named Heather. It made me sick to my stomach. It killed me. I thought I was going to be with this boy forever. He'd promised me the moon and the stars and everything between. We'd even talked about having a baby (NOT my idea, either!). But apparently, this was my lesson: the ones who build you up the highest, are the ones who can break you down so low, you'll be looking up at the bottom of the ocean.

I hadn't talked to him in several weeks. Let me set up a time line for you. On October 6th I come home from visiting above mentioned boy in Louisiana. On October 11th I posted an add on Craigslist.com as one of my attempts to help him find his birth mom. On October 12th I discovered that he'd cheated on me with a 19 year old BITCH FUCKING WHORE (I shouldn't be mad at her, but fuck it) and we broke up. On October 13th I received an email from what turned out to be Eric's birthmother (and I did pass this information along, even though this boy had ripped my heart out, stomped on it repeatedly, and buried it under a mountain of salt). On October 17th I drove straight from my good friend Ralph's funeral to Disneyland where I was then fired for taking time off from work to see Eric at the beginning of the month. Giving me plenty of time to sit at home and stew over everything that's happened as of late.

Today on my way to Monique's (whole other story to write about with Moe) baby shower, I get a text message from Facebook. It's Eric... He's written some jealous message with the subject line "lol" and the content reading "so what's this? you love brandon now or something?" Brandon being one of my very best friends who suspected all along that Eric was an asshole and cheating on me. Apparently Eric had read my bio on xbox live that reads "I love my bestfriend, Brandon! And when he comes back from having red-ring he's all mine!" So just to make this part of the story shorter, Eric ends up telling me that he's sorry for all the things he's done and said to hurt me, that he still has dreams/nightmares about me almost every night, and "I would love to have one more chance to show u im so sorry n i love u so much. but i would just be grateful to be in ur life." I basically told him that there's no way I could trust him enough to let him have another chance like that (because even after he cheated on me, I tried giving him a chance to make it up to me and he failed brutally when he started attacking me on instant messenger one night) but I reluctantly added that if he's serious about staying in contact, I would try to do that much.

But texting him today... And all the ways he tried to say he's an idiot and he's sorry... Just brought up all these horrible emotions in me. Like I can just feel that some day soon I'm going to regret letting him back into my life because he's going to hurt my feelings again. And feelings of just wishing none of it had ever happened and that I could go back to loving him the way I did. But I just keep remembering how he was in person, not wanting to kiss me or be very close like two people in love should be and the fucked up reasons he gave me afterwards. It's disgusting to think that someone who's hurt me this much could be the one for me, there's no way!... Right? I took a picture tonight that really puts into perspective how I feel.

This right here is what I feel he's done to me. I feel like those scars aren't really on my leg where I cut myself the night I found out he'd been seeing another girl. I know those scars are really what's left on my heart where he cut me by doing all those things.

Some times, back when the wounds were fresh, I thought of ways I could get him back. Things I could say that might come close to how he hurt me then. Like sleeping around and telling him about it or throwing out some kind of insult. But I just never did. Didn't want to stoop to that childish level. But I will admit I did do one thing. Like two weeks after we'd broken up, he added me again on FB and he had put a bunch of pictures of him and other girls. Mostly his ex girlfriends. So knowing that those pics were pretty specificaly for me to find, I added some pictures to my Facebook. I made a whole folder (found 6 pics) of me kissing other ppl. I wish I had more pics of me with ex's, but I managed to find one of me and Jeff, me and Justin, me and Antonio, me and Erin, me and my baby cousin, and one of me and Stephanie. Few days after these pics were posted, I got a comment from him on the one of Jeff and I, puuuure jealousy! And all it said was "rofl..." A few hours after I read it (I'd gone back to sleep after reading it on my phone), I got up and went to find the comment but he had deleted it. So, just to let him know I still knew about it, I went to a pic of him and his ex gf and left the exact same comment. I went back to it less than a minute later to delete the comment, mirroring what he'd done, and it was already gone! He sent me some angry and sarcastic message saying he didn't know what I was laughing at and I calmly explained it was just to let him know I saw what he'd done and I was going to delete it. I asked him why he'd done it and he said "because it was him =X" and that was the last thing we said to eachother for quite some time after. A few days later or so, I noticed he'd deleted me from his friends on FB once again and I left it at that til he contacted me today. *sigh*

So that's where we are now... I really have no intent on becoming involved with him again, but damn if it hasn't crossed my mind what the possible scenarios are. That image above does help me keep things in perspective, though. Reminds me that some things are just unforgivable. No matter how nice I am or how much I wish they could be forgiven and forgotten. My whole life fell apart... Crumbled right before my eyes in mere days. Now I feel like a shell of a person. I may still try to smille or laugh on the outside, but I'm broken. Still question things I thought made sence, have realizations of other lies he's told me, wonder what other things I missed... I can't trust anyone now. It's not that no other guy's hurt me, but goddamn... I just didn't think this level of pain could be inflicted by someone who said they LOVED ME. But I guess no one I hated could do so much damage without physicaly shooting me or something, their actions and oppinions wouldn't bother me like this. But one person who has helped me more than anyone in the last two months is Brandon. I could never thank him enough for all he's been there for me. He's the best friend any girl could ask for.

I think that looks like my whole rant, but if I think of anything else, I'll try to be back on here.

**EDIT**

Heather On The Outside: 

Glimpse Of Heather's Inside:  

For My Own Recored, Not Your Sypmathy Or Told-you-So's

Jul 7 11:19 PM: "Well i think anyone who dates u is lucky. N anyone who hurts u is dumb as fuck"

Jul 7 11:33PM: "I would keep u warm n safe"

Jul 7 11:58PM: "Why r u so awesome"

Jul 9 3:32PM: "Well heather my love im not going anywhere"

Jul 9 3:48PM: "<3 my bebehgirl <3"

Jul 10 12:00PM: "U mean so much to me."

Jul 10 4:48PM: "Lol god I adore u."

Jul 10 4:52PM: "U make me so happy"

Jul 11 10:40PM: "U r the best thing in my life"

Jul 12 8:32AM: "<3 i love you Heather <3"

Jul 12 12:25PM: "God heather i love u"

Jul 12 6:10PM: <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 i love you <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 i love you so much <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 more than you'll ever know <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 forever n ever

Jul 12 9:31PM: "I want u to be te last person i see before i die"

Jul 13 7:44AM: "We were meant to be together. U r the greatest thing thats ever happened in my life. I love you more n more each day."

Jul 13 7:57PM: "=p i love u my future wifey =x"

Jul 13 8:00PM: "I love being ur hubby."

Jul 16 12:51PM: "Askin u to marry me is prob the smartest thing ive done"

Jul 29 9:12AM: "I love u baby i wanna take away ur sickness. Im goin to love kissin n havin my head on ur tummy when ur preg."

Sep 2 12:38PM: "-kisses all over"

Sep 2 12:41PM: "U have me"

Sep 3 8:33AM: "-kisses u softly"

Sep 5 10:40AM: "I do still love u"

Sep 6 8:46AM: "Heather sweetie just give me time to think about stuff. -holds u"

Sep 6 8:51AM: "I do love u"

Sep 6 8:57AM: "Hun i never said i wanted to break up"

Sep 6 10:31AM: "-hugs u tight-"

Sep 10 8:41AM: "=\ i love u"

Sep 13 7:17PM: "That without a doubt ur the one i want to grow old with. i have a feelin u are but not 100% sure"

Sep 16 12:46PM: "Awh love just imagin me holdin u"

Sep 17 8:51PM: "My gorgeous love"

Sep 19 8:30PM: "i miss u =\ n i realized i do want to marry u"

Sep 27 12:42PM: "Im sorry the way i act towards u sometimes. =\"

Sep 29 12:55PM: "I really do want to marry u"

Sep 30 6:43PM: "God i love u heather! Im so excited."

Oct 6 3:28PM:

Oct 6 4:57PM: " <3 <3 <3"

Oct 7 10:32PM: "Want me to call n say i love u?"

Oct 12 8:45PM:

Oct 13 6:47PM: "U are the greatest thing that has happen to me n i do love u"

Oct 13 11:45PM:

Oct 14 12:42AM: "Ok good b.c heather. Doing this for me.. I.. I really cant thank u enough it is her"

Oct 14 1:03AM: "God i fucked up. But damn it. I owe u my life!"

Oct 14 11:52AM: "No. U have given me the greatest gift ever"

Oct 14 6:03PM:

Oct 14 11:41PM:

Oct 21 8:51PM: "I love u"

Oct 22 3:52PM: "Wow im not doin anything. Nah thats it. Ur goin to get ur wish. Peace out. Love u have a good life. Bye."